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I have been struggling for a long time with how to honor and remember Zach on the anniversary of his death.

He doesn’t have a grave, since we had his body cremated, but just visiting a grave doesn’t feel like enough for me anyway. I don’t know why, but the anniversary of his death is much harder for me, than his birthday or our anniversary. And the days and weeks leading up to the anniversary of his death are much harder for me than the actual day that he died on.

My mom says that it’s because in the weeks leading up to the anniversary of the day that he died, my subconscious sort of lives through the whole thing all over again. It’s like my subconscious is saying ‘two years ago, at this time, I had no idea that I’d only have one month left”. It’s not a day I can just overlook, nor would I want to. I have been trying to figure out a way to ‘mark’ that day, and honor his life at the same time. He wouldn’t want me or anybody else to curl into a ball and be sad for him (which, I will admit, is pretty much exactly what I felt like doing). I came to realize that that day is really about all of US…..those people that have been left behind. It’s a day we don’t look forward to – we dread it.

I started to think about what I would DO on that day each year. I wanted to do something in Zach’s name and in the spirit in which he lived his life. Anyone that knows Zach will recall the motto of his life: “Life, it’s all about the ride. If not now…when?”, But to “celebrate” that day sort of felt like celebrating the fact that he died- which, of course, I don’t want to do.

I don’t want to “celebrate” the anniversary of his death, so I choose rather celebrate my life, and how far I’ve come. I decided to do something that screams “I’M ALIVE AND LIVING – I’VE MADE IT 2 YEARS, WHEN I DIDN’T THINK I’D BE ABLE TO MAKE IT 2 DAYS!” because that is what that day is about. I chose to (as best as I can) stop dreading that day and embrace it, become better because of it. Because, really, I am proud of myself for making it this far, it hasn’t been easy.

So, from now on, every year on the anniversary of the day that Zach died, I am going to “fun nazi” myself into a once in a lifetime experience. What better way to grab life by the horns and really LIVE? I am going to push through fear and excuses and just do it! If not now…when? Right? I think Zach would like this idea, I think it’s what he would do.

This year (even though it wasn’t exactly on the 16th), I chose to dive into shark infested waters and get up close and personal with Great White Sharks. (Zach would have loved doing this, but even more so, I think he would have been tickled pink, and proud of me for doing it- he knew about my fear of the ocean).

For next year, I haven’t decided what I will do – I’m open to suggestions. I’ve started a list and it includes things like: skydiving, riding in a hot air balloon, running a marathon, running with the bulls, driving a monster truck, and heliskiing.

Some are things that he always wanted to do, and some are things I want to do. But I guess, the most important this is that I actually DO it, because life is all about the ride! :)