Also, Christie just posted the pictures that she took, the day we scattered Zach’s ashes out at 4-Mile. It was his birthday, March 16. He would have been 33 years old. Christie, thanks for taking these. I am glad to see that it was such a beautiful day that day (something I actually didn’t even remember).

I created a new website for Abbie Warnock. I have to say, I’m quite pleased with how it turned out, because I don’t know how to make websites! I sort of learned along the way. Here are a few of the more simple sites that I made for family and friends.

I took a trip to the Cayman Islands and Cuba with Erika. We had a great time, and I made some new friends along the way. I think it was good for me to get out of the house, spend some time in the sun, and have some good laughs!

I’ve started to compile my bucket list. You can check it out here. Even though it’s a small list, I plan to continue to add on to it as I think of more things. Each time I complete something on it, I’ll post the evidence here on my blog. If any body has any ideas of other things I should do before I die, I’m open to suggestions.

I started back up with my Spanish classes. Luckily I was able to get some real life practice when I went to Cuba! However, the Spanish spoken in Cuba is like 5 times faster than any other Spanish I’ve ever heard! Wow!

I joined the Red Cross as a volunteer and have been working at blood drives and getting trained to participate in disaster services. I’m a huge fan of donating blood, and donate every 8 weeks. To find out where you can donate blood in your area visit givelife.org.

Next up, I’m planning to go to Utah May 10 – June 3. May is shaping up to be a busy month. Mother‘s Day, Stetson’s Mission Farewell, Stetson going into the MTC, and Lakin’s 17th birthday (actually, that’s in June—but still).

For the summer, I’m hoping to do more traveling and find an organization to volunteer with. At this point, the meaning of life has really changed for me. I want to spend time with the people that I care about, do more fun things, and help as many people as I can.

Thank you to all of you for your love, support and encouragement. I am sorry for being so hard to get a hold of these past few months, and I plan to be more available going forward.

I know a lot of people wish that they could have gone as well, but for those that couldn’t make it I have some pictures instead.

View as Slideshow

It was hard for me to go back to his office, because I was just there the day before he died. He wasn’t quite himself when he came home from hockey that night, but he was my bright and shining Zach while I was there at his office.

I got laid off from Xactly on Wednesday, so I decided to give Zach a call to see if he would like to meet for lunch. His office is in Foster City, and mine was in San Jose, I guess it’s about 30 minutes away. I had never been to his office, so since I had the afternoon ‘off’, I decided to go check it out, meet his friends, and let him know that I just lost my job.

Surprisingly, he was happy that I had been laid off! He said, ‘now you can do all the things you always wanted to do…and we can start having babies!’ :) We ate lunch together, and then went back to his office so that he could show me around. We went by his desk, he gave me the guided tour, and I met the rest of the art team.

After the office tour, he rode the elevator down with me and walked me out to my car. Neither one of us were in a hurry to go anywhere. We just stood outside by my car and hugged, and kissed, and teased each other – completely content to just be together. The sun was shining, and the ocean was bright blue behind him, and I could smell the salt in the air. It was the perfect afternoon. I’ll never forget that moment, because it was the last time we kissed.

Being back in his office, was hard, but good. The folks at Underground Development have been so amazing and even though they had a big deadline coming up, they took the time to show us around, show us what Zach had been working on, and were willing to just sit and chat about Zach.

Lynn, Steve, Adel, and the rest of the Underground and Activision team, I simply cannot thank you enough for all that you have done and continue to do to honor Zach’s memory. Thank you all for being his friend and for helping him to grow as an artist. You challenged him, you inspired him and you made him SO happy.

And a huge ‘thank you’ to Pat, who came along with me, took all the pictures, carried the boxes, and let me cry on his shoulder.

Today I have been going through all of the letters, notes and cards that Zach has written to me over the years. It’s bittersweet. I still feel like I’m just stumbling blindly through the days, and they all kind of blur together. I have made two goals for myself: Go outside every day and eat something every day. I think if I can do both of those things, then I count it as a good day.

I appreciate your continued support, cards, phone calls, and emails. And I am truly truly grateful to all of you that have sent in pictures, movies, and other memorabilia (Jeff, thanks so much for the copy of his missionary letters). I intent to continue to work on his website so that you can download pictures, some of his art, his songs, etc.

When I got home Zach’s ashes were already here waiting for me (thank you Gary for picking them up). Interestingly, about 4 weeks before Zach died we were driving past the cemetery and I said to him. “When I die, I want to be cremated”, he said that he did too and that he wanted his 1/2 his ashes to be put in the ocean, and half to be put in the snow. I’m not sure when I’m going to do those things, but I will let you know. I think I’m also going to plant a tree on the cliffs at 4mile (his favorite surf spot, and the place where I’ll put his ashes). I like the idea of something living and growing in memory of him, something to look out over and watch the surf.

For the other half of his ashes, I’m going to take them to the top of the highest peak at the ski resort where Zach and I met.

I’m not sure when the time is right for me to place his ashes in these special spots, but I will let you know. Feel free to call me or stop by any time. As you know, I don’t have a job, so I have all the free time in the world.

My mom sent this poem to me, and it expresses exactly how I feel right now.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
– W.H. Auden

(thanks mom)

I just wanted to write a quick update and let everybody that currently I am in Reno visiting my dad and will head back to Santa Cruz on Sunday night. Thank you to all of you for sending me your words of encouragement, memories and support.

For those of you that didn’t get the email:

I just wanted to write a quick note to every one and tell you thank you for reaching out to me during this time. Your words of comfort, thoughts, and prayers have made it possible for me to get out of bed each morning. I intend to respond to each of you individually, but it will take me some time as my brain is still clouded in fog and it takes me longer even to do normal, every day things.

Our friend, Brendan, has helped me to create a memorial website for Zach. You can read Zach’s obituary, see some pictures, send in your photos, and post your memories on the site. I want to collect as many memories, pictures and videos of Zach as possible. If you have any, please send them to me or upload them on the site. If you know of anybody who has not heard of his death, or should have received this email, but didn’t – please pass it along to them.

Additionally, I would love to keep in touch with all of you. I welcome the opportunity to answer questions and to talk about Zach with you. It is never an intrusion for people to contact me via phone, email, IM, or in person (if you don’t have my phone number or IM info, just leave a comment and I’ll respond to it). A lot of people have asked how they can help me get through this difficult time, or if there is anything I need that they can do. I think what helps me the most is is to talk about memories of Zach. I will need people to keep checking on me from time to time, in the coming days, weeks, and months (maybe forever). So please don’t forget about me.

I am in Utah right now, if anyone is close by and wants to talk or ask questions, please feel free to call me or stop by (I’m staying at my mom’s in Springville). I will be headed back to Santa Cruz sometime next week. I’m taking it “one day at a time….”, so I’m not sure which day I plan to leave yet. I’ll post my plans here as soon as I know them.

Thanks again so much for all your support, words cannot express the gratitude and love that I feel in my heart for all the ways you have been there for me at this time.

Zach came home from his hockey game on Wednesday night, and he was complaining that he didn’t feel well. He thought that he was having asthma.

He developed ‘asthma’ about six months ago, but only felt it after he played indoor roller hockey. I didn’t really think it was asthma, because I have had asthma my whole life. He didn’t have any wheezing or coughing, just a hard time catching his breath and he said his lungs were sore. Typically when he felt this way after hockey he just wanted to go to bed and would feel completely fine in the morning. When this first started happening I made him to go the doctor to get checked out. In retrospect, I think I should have gone with him because I think he may have played it down for the doctor.

So on Wednesday night when he came home. It was the usual, he didn’t feel well, and just wanted to go to bed. He was very agitated, and kept getting up to get drinks of water. He just couldn’t sleep. I kept asking him if we should go to the hospital and what I could do to help him, but he just wanted me to leave him alone. Typical guy, right? I think that early in the morning he went outside to breath the cool air, and try to get some fresh air to see if that would help.

And that is when he died.

A bicyclist rode by our house on her way home from work and saw him and called 911. I woke up to the sound of police knocking on my front door. It was still dark, and by the time I jumped out of bed and made it to the front door, they were standing in my front room with their flashlights on. It was 6:34. I was so confused, and still half asleep, but I figured that there had been a robbery or a fight or something outside of our condo complex. I could hear people and walkie talkies (zach always laughed at that word ‘walkie talkies’) outside. I remember the police asked me to sit down as they kept coming in and going back out. I kept asking them, “What is going on?”, but they just kept telling me that they didn’t know. I got up to get zach, but he wasn’t in the bed. The police officer asked me if I lived alone…”no, I live with my husband”.

They asked where my husband was ” I don’t know…he wasn’t feeling well last night, so he probably went to sleep in the guest bedroom or for a walk, he’s not answering his cell phone.”

Then they asked me what he was wearing when I last saw him. I told them that he was wearing pajama pants and a hoodie. I thought, ‘ Oh no, they picked him up wandering around in a daze or something.’ because he was extremely hypoglycemic.

All of those questions were asked and answered very fast, and still they wouldn’t tell me what was going on outside and I was starting to panic because I couldn’t find Zach. The Police kept going in and out, and then they came in and said: “I’m very sorry to tell you this, but we found your husband this morning, and he has passed away.”

Of course, at first I thought it must be some kind of mistake. My husband was alive, and strong, and healthy, and vibrant. I asked her, how? and where? and what happened? But nobody had any answers for me. My world was spinning, everything started moving in slow motion, and all the air was crushed out of my lungs simultaneously. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to describe the feeling I had when she told me that my husband was gone. Sorrow, despair, misery, and desolation come closest to describing it.

I reached for my phone, but she told me that I couldn’t call anyone, that there had to be an investigation first. I didn’t understand anything that was going on around me, I just felt absolute hopelessness.

It wasn’t until a couple of days later that the coroner called with the results from the autopsy. Zach had died from an occluded artery. Which is a hereditary condition that causes the lipids in the blood stream to build up on the walls of the artery. His artery was 90% occluded (blocked) and his death was instant. I think that the build-up on his artery had been building over time, and perhaps while he was playing hockey and his heart was pumping hard, maybe it sent a clot or more lipids that blocked it more. I don’t know.

I am still trying to learn more about the condition, but from what I understand it is one of those rare and random things that are only found on the autopsy table or if you go in and specifically request that they check you for it. EKG’s don’t find it, and sometimes treadmill tests will miss it as well. If I had been able to convince him to go to the hospital he would have needed immediate open heart surgery, and neither one of us would have known to tell the doctors that.

However, I take comfort in the fact that death was instant for Zach. He didn’t feel any pain, he didn’t sense death looming….and well, he died outside – which I think is totally him.

If there was ever one person that lived life…really LIVED every minute of it. It was him. He’s probably lived more in his short 32 years than many of us ever will in 50. I read a quote that said ‘perhaps those readiest for death, are those least willing to go’. I think that describes Zach, he was ALL about living. If I know him, he’s splitting his time between riding the endless wave, and the freshest deepest powder right now.

Talking about it does help, and I welcome any questions, comments, insight, or memories.

The main artery to his heart was 90% occluded, which means that his heart was only getting 10% of the blood that it needed. His heart stopped suddenly, and it died quickly. My heart, unfortunately, is still beating – but is broken.

I can’t imagine life going on without him.